Frequently Asked Questions

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the 10 to 10 Helpline?
A confidential, anonymous helpline for people who want to stop using abuse and control in their intimate relationships. The Helpline is also for family, friends and professionals who want to help them stop. People who are unsure about their behavior can also call the Helpline.

The Helpline operates from 10am to 10pm 365 days a year. We are a helpline not a hotline: we are not considered an emergency response service.

What kind of help do callers get?
Callers who are concerned about their own behavior will be treated with respect and dignity. They will be helped to gain insight into their actions and to hold themselves accountable, using the framework of abusive values and values of equity and respect. They will get help developing goals and actions steps that center safety and accountability, and will be given referrals to services that can support long-term change. A family member or friend will get help thinking through how they can support safety and change in someone they care about, and can also learn about the values framework for understanding abuse. A professional will get an understanding of how intimate partner violence (IPV) overlaps with, but is distinct from, other issues i.e., substance abuse and mental health, as well as an overview of how to approach treatment with an added lens. Professionals may also be connected with a consultant in their field who has expertise in IPV.
Who answers the phone?
The Helpline is staffed by skilled and experienced social service professionals. Every staff member undergoes comprehensive training, with a minimum of 40 hours of instruction before answering a call. Staff remain current and informed through weekly group training and supervision.
What kind of training do staff get?
Before staff answer their first call, they are trained in IPV, sexual violence within the context of IPV, and the impact of IPV on survivors. They are trained to examine the culture of abusive values and how our social location, including race, ethnicity, age, gender, sexual orientation and other identities, impacts our experience and the experience of those who call. They are trained in understanding perpetration and perpetration strategies, the change process in intimate partner violence for people who use abuse and for survivors, abusive values and values of equity and respect, how to have transformative and respectful dialogues, and special considerations for teens and young adults. And they are trained in how to understand context when examining issues of predominant aggression. Additionally, staff receive training on an on-going basis from professionals who have extensive experience working with both survivors and people who use abuse in their relationships, and from professionals with deeper content expertise in the LGBTQIA community, in the disability community and with elders.
Do you help teens?

Yes. The Helpline is available to teens and young adults and staff are trained in the unique developmental aspects and obstacles faced by young people.

What do you mean by confidential and anonymous?
The Helpline is committed to creating a confidential, anonymous place where people who want to learn to be safe can speak honestly. We maintain confidentiality as long as callers keep their anonymity. We do not need a name or any identifying information to provide guidance and resources. If a caller does give identifying information and a crime is disclosed, the Helpline will follow legal duty to report requirements.
Do you ever work with the person using harm and their partner together, or recommend couples counseling?

No. We only work with one person at a time. Even if two members of a current or former couple call us separately, we do not confirm or deny that the other party has called us, in order to maintain the confidentiality of all callers.

Although we never work with two people together, we do accept calls from people who use abuse and from survivors. If someone who uses harm calls, we help them gain insight into their actions and help them hold themselves accountable, using the framework of abusive values and values of equity and respect. They will get help developing goals and action steps that center safety and accountability, and will be given referrals to services that can support long-term change.

If a survivor calls, we can share the abusive values framework with them which can add to their understanding of their experience and can reinforce the fact that abuse is always the responsibility of the harm doer and never the fault or responsibility of the victim or survivor. We share information about the process of change for people who cause harm, to add to the survivor’s resources for making their own decisions about the relationship. We refer to local survivor services.

Again, we will never confirm to any caller whether or not their partner has called.

We also do not recommend couples counseling when a partner is using the tools of abuse, control and dominance in the partnership. We do not recommend this because the process is dangerous and compromising for the survivor.

The stages of change for the person causing harm in the partnership need to be navigated individually, with supports, and not with the survivor who is the target of the abuse.

If you would like to learn more about how we approach this work, please call us at 877-898-3411.

Are you colluding with the abuse by helping the person who abuses?
Staff are trained to never collude with, minimize, blame-shift or ignore abuse. They focus on a caller’s choice to control and abuse, and the caller’s underlying values which give them permission to hurt others. They help callers hold themselves accountable to values and choices that are safe and respectful.
Will this give false hope to survivors?
The Helpline will never encourage a survivor to stay in a relationship in hopes that their partner will change. We share detailed information about the change process so that survivors can come to their own informed decisions about the many trade-offs they are weighing. When an abusive person chooses to change, the change process is slow, incremental and never a guarantee of safety. Even when change does happen, it may only make a relationship safe enough so that a survivor can leave without being harmed, or can remain living in the same community as their ex-partner free from fear.
Can survivors call?
Yes. Responders can share the abusive values framework with survivors which can add to a survivor’s understanding of their experience and can reinforce the fact that abuse is always the responsibility of the harm doer and never the fault or responsibility of the victim or survivor. Responders can also connect survivors to local domestic violence agencies. The Helpline does not believe that it is a survivor’s job or role to help their partner change.
Can people who abuse really change?
Yes, but only if they themselves want to and only if they are willing to examine and change the underlying values and beliefs that support abusive behavior. Change is hard and requires long-term, daily, often life-long effort and commitment. People working on change are encouraged to call the Helpline as often as needed and are encouraged to attend Intimate Partner Abuse Education Programs.
Do you provide services for non-English speaking callers or for Deaf and Hard-of-hearing callers?
Language translation services are available in over a dozen languages. In the future, we hope to have bi-lingual responders. People who are Deaf or hard of hearing can connect to the helpline through the 711 Relay system.
How can I learn more?

Email us at thehelpline1010@gmail.com, visit our website at www.10to10helpline.org, find us on Facebook or Instagram (@helpline1010) or call us at: 877-898-3411.